Good morning, ladies and gents!
Welcome once again to Franjo’s dreams, and welcome of course to Slumberland, the show that brought you such classic dreams as “Oops! Where’d all Mum’s teeth go?”
I’m your host, John Hutchison.
Today we’re bringing you something completely different. You join us on the precipice of the inaugural Slumberland First Division, a football league featuring 6 of Franjo’s favourite teams from his past lives. I’ll be keeping you bang up to date with live text commentary of this morning’s featured match, where fallen angel Franny Jeffers’ Blackpool 21/22 host my main man WT Franjo’s Auxerre 23/24.
My colleagues meanwhile, will be chipping in with updates from our other 2 matches to ensure that not a single beat is missed. The time is about 2:55am and the matches won’t be starting for a few moments, so while Danny Wilson and Mamadou Doucouré are leading their sides out, let’s have a word from the man sitting bollock naked, sipping special brew through a curly straw. You know him, you love him, you’re thoroughly terrified of him if you’re Norwegian: It’s Don Collins.
Aye right, what’s that meant to mean then? I can get pished if you want me pished up John, but ye won’t like some o the shite that’s gonna come oot me mooth. Notts County 26/27 v Doncaster Rovers 29/30 kicking off here in a few. Cannae contain myself.
Thanks Don, that’s the spirit. We’re also joined by our intern, Royston. Are you pumped up for the Slumberland First Division, Royston?
You’re over in France today aren’t you, Royston? Hows the atmosphere?
Excellent, well I look forward to pulling teeth together again later. Royston’s watching Bordeaux 29/30 v Hearts 21/22 and will give us his no doubt in-depth analysis as we go.
Back to today’s main event for now though, where Auxerre 23/24 travel to Blackpool 21/22. 2 teams predicted to finish in the bottom half of the league will scrap it out for a potential opening day 3 points. Aiden O’Brien will kick us off for Blackpool, who play in their classic tangerine home kit and will shoot from left to right. Auxerre line up in their new all-black away kit.
Aaaaaaand we’re off!
CHANCE! Oo it’s a good move from Auxerre after a scrappy first few minutes as the teams test each other out. Phil Foden latches onto a long pass from Isaac Sohna and passes infield to Amine Reynier. A quick one-two with big Moroccan striker Hicham Aidir later, the Frenchman’s in behind the defence, but flashes his shot just wide of the far post.
Lots of misplaced passes so far. Hopefully the quality can pick up just a tad as the teams warm up.
Not much here either John, the Irishman Brennan’s sliced wan wide though.
I think he’s English now Don.
GOAL! Blackpool 21/22 0 – 1 Auxerre 23/24
Lamine Fomba (14)
Wonderful stuff from Reynier. He exchanges passes again with Aidir, then lofts a beautiful ball into the path of Fomba as he charges into the box. 1 touch to control the ball, 1 more to blast it into the far corner. Lamine Fomba opens the scoring in the inaugural Slumberland First Division.
CHANCE! Kieran Dowell starting to pull the strings from midfield now. He passes to Aiden O’Brien, who easily shrugs off the pressure from Celsiney and powers a shot just wide.
Celsiney certainly knows where his strengths lie. He follows that near miss up with an electric run down the right wing. Noone can catch him and he gets a cross in towards the near post, but Danny Wilson gets in ahead of Aidir to clear.
CHANCE! Quite chaotic defending from Auxerre so far. A quick game of heads and volleys on the edge of the away side’s box ends in a volleyed effort from O’Brien, but it sails harmlessly wide.
All gone a bit quiet here hasn’t it. We’re back to misplaced passes and broken attacking patterns here. Anything over there, Don?
Aye right I could be in bed right noo. Instead I’m watching Doncaster pissing Rovers miss chance after chance and a County side that cannae string 2 fucking passes together. Naw there’s not much gaen on here, John. Ye fanny.
CHANCE! Good lord, I thought both teams were done for the day for a while then. Phil Foden picks the ball up from Reynier, wriggles past Ash Kigbu on the edge of the box but fires wide.
GOAL! Blackpool 21/22 0 – 2 Auxerre 23/24
Amine Reynier (44)
That’s far more like it! An excellent, slick move from Auxerre. Fabian McCarthy plays it forwards to Aidir, who lays it off for Reynier. The man who set up the first goal whips a ball ahead of Celsiney on the right and after turning Brad Potts, the full back drifts a beautiful ball in and there’s Reynier to meet it with a lovely bicycle kick.
HALF TIME. Blackpool 21/22 0 – 2 Auxerre 23/24
I’ve got to say, aside from the 2 goals we’ve had it’s been a poor quality watch so far. Both sides have looked a bit chaotic at times and there has’t been an abundance of chances. As the teams head back to the changing rooms though, Auxerre and WT Franjo will definitely be the happier team.
At least we got 2 goals though, eh Don?
HALF TIME. Notts County 26/27 0 – 0 Doncaster Rovers 29/30
Aye this games bored the tits aff me so far. County had a few wee chances at the end but not wan a these las can shoot.
We’ve not heard from you so far, Royston. Quiet match is it?
Naw it’s quite good. 2-0.
2-0?? To who??
Chelsea aren’t playing. It’s Bordeaux 29/30 v Hearts 21/22.
Well I dinnae know then. The blue laddies.
Aye, Buddo then.
HALF TIME. Bordeaux 29/30 2 – 0 Hearts 21/22
I think we need to go over this again on Monday, you’re meant to keep us updated on what’s happening in the match as it’s going on.
Well ye never asked.
Don’t wait for me to ask! Bloody hell. Sorry about this everyone, he’s on work experience. It’s a favour to his Dad, he got me out of some unpleasantness in the 90’s. Just make sure to keep us updated in the 2nd half, Royston.
Before I shoot off for a pie and a coffee, a quick word from our sponsors, who are also somehow the shirt sponsors for every single team in this competition:
Play Player Power, the chaotic football arcade game by Dave O’Leary/O’Leary Games now available for £0.79 on Steam! Because I like you lot and to celebrate the opening day of the Slumberland First Division, you can put your pennies away. Email email@example.com with the subject line “Save Us Franjo” before 11:59pm BST tonight, Saturday 30th May 2020 and I’ll send you a Steam key to get the game for free!
So yes, if you want to do that… Good luck to you. Back in a few.
That’s better. Caffeinated and satiated. Hicham Aidir to kick off for Auxerre 23/24.
And we’re off.
Nothing’s going on so far.
…Thanks, Royston. Same here. Any early 2nd half action for you, Don?
2 wee chances for Rovers but tae be honest John it’s the same old shite.
Nothing’s going on, John.
Just let me know when something does happen, Royston, alright?
Albian Ajeti’s come on on for Roar Nyhus for Rovers. Fuck me he’s a wrinkled bastart noo.
Well he’s from the future isn’t he. In a sense.
GOAL! Notts County 26/27 0 – 1 Doncaster Rovers 29/30
Mitch North (54)
Shite up the wall, John, I’ve found an actual quality footballer. The boy North just took 3 lads on and smacked it intae the corner. It’s a good job tae, I was drifting aff.
It’ll be the special brew, Don.
Aye will it? Fuck aff.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 3 – 0 Hearts 21/22
Ben Lyndon (58)
That same laddie’s got another. Big boy up front. He’s got 3 noo.
Excellent, I’m also being told by a slightly more descriptive source that that’s an opening day perfect hat trick for Ben Lyndon! Great job, Royston.
John why does my da call you the beaver cleaver of Geneva?
Eyes on the game now, Royston. Keep it up.
GOAL! Blackpool 21/22 1 – 2 Auxerre 23/24
Aiden O’Brien (61)
Game on! Bloomfield Road erupts! It was a good but simple move and Auxerre will rue some poor defending there. Kieron Freeman sets Danny Philliskirk away down the right with a good through ball, Mamadou Doucouré can’t stop the cross and Celsiney’s left marking O’Brien in the centre, who barges the defender aside and heads Blackpool back into the game from close range. Sohna’s got some heated words for his right back but he should really have been the one tracking O’Brien.
Blackpool looking a bit livelier now and a bit more interested. Freeman’s hacked down on the right wing by Reynier and Dowell whips a dangerous ball into the box from the free kick, forcing Doucouré to concede a corner with a stretching diving header. The corner comes to nothing, but these are tense times for Auxerre.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 4 – 0 Hearts 21/22
Ben Lyndon (68)
It’s still the same laddie, John. He’s got 4 noo and he’s taking the pish. Pure lobbed the goalie from oota the box.
What a day Ben Lyndon’s having! Any changes by either side so far?
Aye, Ward and Kane have come on.
Aye him n all. Harry for the blue ones and Herbie for the other ones. Actually they’re in blue too John, so I dinnae know what tae say.
CHANCE! Oof just as Blackpool were starting to pile on the pressure, Auxerre counter with a route-one whack up the field from skipper Doucouré. Fomba flicks the ball on, Foden gets between Husband and Wilson and smacks a shot goalwards from the edge of the box. Luckily John Ruddy’s on hand with a fine stop to concede a corner, but he does not look too happy with his defence.
CHANCE! It’s really swinging back Auxerre’s way now. Again Blackpool’s defence is caught in absolute disarray and Foden picks up the ball with 2 men ahead of him in acres of space. He threads a pass through to Reynier on the far side, but the Frenchman’s powerful shot is straight at Ruddy at the near post and Blackpool’s blushes are spared again. Blackpool are responding by making their first change of the game: Lee Hodson replaces Kieron Freeman at right back.
CHANCE! Blackpool really need to turn the momentum back around. They fail to clear the corner and Abdoulaye Sissako tees up Aidir on the edge of the box. Hodson’s in a good position to block the striker’s shot and concede another corner though.
Couple of changes here John, Louie Barry and his stupid hair cut on for County, and Minobe. Lawson on for Rovers. The wee bald prick Johnson’s gone off for County, he’s been shite.
CHANCE! This time Fomba sets up Reynier for a pop, but again Ruddy’s equal to it. Blackpool could have been buried by now without him.
GOAL! Blackpool 21/22 1 – 3 Auxerre 23/24
Phil Foden (89)
Ooooo ya beauty! What a finish from Phil Foden! Blackpool comitted too many forward and were hit on the break by an incisive counter attack. They then fail to properly clear their lines again and Reynier’s cross is headed away only as far as Fomba, who plays it to McCarthy, who passes to Foden, who chips the ball up for himself with his first touch and curls a sweetly struck volley into the bottom corner with his second. Game over.
Both sides are making changes for the final minute or so, with Nathan Andre given a run out in place of McCarthy and Younes Belhanda brought on for Dowell. Franny Jeffers has not shown much ambition with his substitutes today.
CHANCE! Hicham Aidir slides Foden through on goal and he tries a powerful shot, but again Ruddy keeps the scoreline respectful. Still time for another though.
FULL TIME. Bordeaux 29/30 4 – 0 Hearts 21/22
Your big laddie pure shat on the other team today, John.
Looks like it! Just to mention, our notoriously fast-working producers have already got the highlight packages compiled and uploaded so you can have a nosey at all the action from all of the matches as they finish. The first video is extended highlights, the second is just the goals.
FULL TIME. Notts County 26/27 0 – 1 Doncaster Rovers 29/30
Aye right ours is over n all. How many o these have we got left? Was that the Quarter Finals or wha?
It’s a league, Don. Still 27 games to play in total.
Ah, pish aff. I’m tae bed.
FULL TIME. Blackpool 21/22 1 – 3 Auxerre 23/24
Job done for Franjo’s men. It wasn’t perfect and they’ll certainly have tougher challenges ahead, but an away win is a great start.
Well there you go. No draws in our opening games, there have been 3 winners and 3 losers, giving us quite a cut-and-dry first Slumberland First Division Table.
So that’s all for us here at Slumberland. Bordeaux top the charts on goal difference after our first round of games. Will anything change on Wednesday when our next round takes place? We’ll find out. Good night, everyone and sleep tight.
… I think Don has actually gone to bed. So yes, on behalf of all of us, I suppose… Bye.