Good morning, ladies and gents!
Welcome once again to Franjo’s dreams and welcome of course to Slumberland, the show that brought you such family favourite dreams as “The inflatable Jar Jar Binks chair at the foot of my bed wants to peel the skin from my flesh!”
I’m your host, John Hutchison.
Today we’re back with the 2nd instalment of our 10-part special on the Slumberland First Division, a football league featuring 6 of Franjo’s favourite teams from his alternate timelines. I’ll be giving you the lowdown on all the happenings of this morning’s featured match, which sees sex icon WT Franjo’s Auxerre 23/24 host Big Dave O’Leary’s Hearts 21/22. Auxerre will no doubt come into this match on a high following Saturday’s opening day win over in Blackpool, while O’Leary’s youthful lot were left broken Hearted, losing 0-4 to Bordeaux. In case you were wondering, that’s but a taste of the kind of A*, 10/10, top drawer wordplay you can expect from me today. The jokes about these 2 Clubs will be coming in Spades, if you’re sophisticated enough to appreciate that level of humour.
Let’s not forget our Diamond in the rough though, Don Collins. How’s it going tonight, Don?
I spilt jalfrezi down ma laptop keyboard, John. It’s pure pandemonium in here. I’m gonna have tae fetch some bog roll, bare with.
Well hurry back, Don. The matches start in a few moments. Don’s going to be casting his glazed-over eyes across Blackpool 21/22’s match against Notts County 26/27 at Bloomfield Road and we do now have the team news from that match for you too. Blackpool make 2 changes, with Dylan Flynn and Luke Higham coming into defence to replace Ash Kigbu and James Husband, while Notts County make just 1: Vice-Captain Jason McCarthy replaces Kosuke Kajiyama at right back and takes the armband from Jake Doyle-Hughes.
And finally, our Joker of the pack: Largely ignored and often discarded, it’s Royston the intern. How are you today, young man?
Why don’t you tell us about your game today, Royston?
Aye well I can see that big la from Saturday, so it must be Chelsea again.
No you’ve got Doncaster Rovers 29/30 v Bordeaux 29/30. It’s staggering how often I’ve had to tell you over the last few days that Chelsea are not in this competition.
Aye, Dunkster v Buddo then.
Just excruciating. I’ll do the team news, don’t worry. Young Charlie Arnold replaces Doncaster Captain Santi Salinas at left back after his sub-par first appearance, so vice-captain Dylan Brennan takes the armband for the hosts. Table toppers Bordeaux are, as you’d expect, unchanged.
And we’ve just time to have a look at the team news from our featured match before kick off. No changes for the hosts after their opening day win, but Hearts have made a double swap in defence, with Marcus Godinho and Declan Gallagher replacing Diegui and Ben Sheaf. Young Matty Spencer keeps his place in goal despite being taught some harsh lessons by Bordeaux’s Ben Lyndon at the weekend.
Aaaaaaaand we’re off! You did make it back in time didn’t you, Don?
Ae ha’s me noo. M keboard’s shied iself though b the looks of i. Some of the kes arenae working
Wonderful. Just a thought: This being a dream World, can’t you just conjure a working keyboard from thin air?
Ae mabe. I’ll give it a go in a minue, I’m jus ring to conjure up anoher jalfrezi.
Ae. e wee fann.
GOAL! Auxerre 23/24 0 – 1 Hearts 21/22
Dylan Munro (4)
Hearts are off to an absolute flier and it’s all too easy! Auxerre committed too many men forwards and 1 long ball across the ground from Barker is enough to leave them 1 v 2 at the back. Dylan Munro and Sean Clare exchange passes around the overwhelmed Isaac Sohna and before the rest of the defence have a chance to catch up, Munro lashes the ball past Lenogue. It’s a perfect start for Hearts. Can they now add to their solitaire-y goal?
CHANCE! We’re off to a really energetic start at the Stade de l’Abbé-Deschamps. Auxerre come straight back down the other end trying to get a quick response. McCarthy feeds the ball to Aidir after a good passing move, but the striker’s shot whistles past Spencer’s near post. The Hearts man looks furious at his defence, but he must be a little relived that that wasn’t a few inches further to the left.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 1 Bordeaux 29/30
Ben Lyndon (7)
Big la’s out again today John. Dunkster can’t get close to Buddo as they zip it aboot and he just slots it away.
That’s 5 goals in 97 minutes of football from the Bordeaux striker. Think he’s got to be in with a shout for the Golden Boot even at this early stage, hasn’t he?
CHANCE! Auxerre hit Hearts on the break. Aidir holds it up and plays a ball into the path of Foden, who’s searing in from the right. He does well to hold off the challenge from Clarke-Salter, but when he does get his right footed shot away he can only slice it wide of the far post. The Hearts centre back did enough there.
CHANCE! And again! Straight from the goal kick Auxerre win the ball back and McCarthy receives it in absolute acres of space from Fomba. He tries his luck from 25 yards, but his effort crashes back off the inside of the post and Hearts scramble it clear.
CHANCE! What a game this is shaping up to be! Again Auxerre win the ball straight back and again they carve Hearts open effortlessly. McCarthy releases Billy on the left wing this time and the Moroccan left back curls a great cross onto the head of his compatriot Aidir, but Spencer makes the save at his near post. This is a hell of a period of pressure from Auxerre but they are still somehow behind.
Right, while we’ve got a moment to compose ourselves, how’ve Doncaster responded to going behind, Royston?
They’ve had a couple o shots but from way oot.
And has there been much action at Bloomfield Road, Don?
Has there fuck.
Thank you, gentlemen.
CHANCE! Real heart-in-mouth stuff there for Auxerre fans. Under no pressure whatsoever Sohna fluffs a simple short pass outside his own box and gives it straight to Barker. The Hearts winger tees up the goalscorer Munro, but he’s unable to double his tally, sending his shot comfortably wide of the near post.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 2 Bordeaux 29/30
Ben Lyndon (18)
Just a big hoof up to big la in the box and noone’s even around him, John. I think they need to try and mark him.
You reckon? My God, that man’s threatening to make a mockery of this entire league! What a first couple of matches he’s having.
It’s been all Auxerre pressure for the last 6 or 7 minutes, but they’re failing to make any use of their possession in the final third. Foden, McCarthy and Billy are trying hard to find a way through Hearts’ back line, but the Scottish side look happy to defend in numbers and let Auxerre tire themselves out.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 3 Bordeaux 29/30
Konstantin Gerchev (27)
I don’t know who this one is, John, but it’s not the big la. Big la sets him up though and he just tings it in the corner. Easy as ya like.
Still Auxerre can’t get a clear sight at goal. Foden just went close, trying to drive a low one in from just inside the box, but Aaron Hickey throws his body in the way to block it.
CHANCE! Again Aidir holds the ball up well and lays the ball off for Reynier to have a go from the edge of the box. It’s hit well and is dipping awkwardly, but it’s just wide of Hearts’ far post. At the other end of the pitch, Dylan Munro’s trying hard to get the psychological upper hand on Auxerre’s 2 centre backs. In the last few minutes he’s had 2 little jabs at Sohna and 1 at Doucouré while challenging for long balls. WT Franjo will be hoping that the pair can keep their cool and not rise to it.
CHANCE! It’s the first nice move in a while from the visitors. They work the ball up the pitch towards Auxerre’s penalty area and Godinho loops a cross in to the 6 yard box. Sean Clare rises above Isaac Sohna to meet it, but his headed effort drifts harmlessly high and wide.
CHANCE! Straight back up the other end we go. Celsiney skims a pass along the outside of the Hearts box for McCarthy, who fashions himself enough space for a shot, but Spencer’s equal to it and parries it behind. They’re being restricted to shooting from distance at the minute and Hearts will be delighted with how resiliently they’ve defended so far, for the most part.
CHANCE! From McCarthy’s corner, Sohna powers a header at goal. It takes a nasty deflection off Declan Gallagher and spins towards the bottom corner of the goal, but Spencer pulls off a great save low to his right. The 19 year old’s really repaying his manager’s faith here at the moment.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 4 Bordeaux 29/30
Ben Lyndon (38)
It’s like, did ya remember back in school, John, where… Where ya’ve got an arse hole 6th former playing with the year 7s and just beating the shite out of em? Big la’s the big arse hole 6th former.
Well put, Royston.
GOAL! Auxerre 23/24 0 – 2 Hearts 21/22
Dylan Munro (39)
And that is Hearts’ reward for all of their defensive efforts! In the end it’s a simple ball through from captain Connor Smith to find Munro in the box and the 18 year old needs no 2nd invitation to double his tally. With Doucouré bearing down on him from one side and Sohna from the other, he picks his spot and leathers the ball past Lenogue.
CHANCE! It’s Auxerre who’re on the ropes now. They concede a free kick and from the free kick they concede a corner. Craig Sibbald curls it in, the hosts don’t clear their lines and Jake Clarke-Salter smashes a shot goalwards from the edge of the box. Lenogue’s on hand to make what I’m pretty sure is his first save of the game, but he’s conceded another corner in doing so. Hearts are piling on the pressure.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 5 Bordeaux 29/30
Ben Lyndon (43)
I dinnae really have anything tae add, John. I dinnae think that Dunkster are going to win.
CHANCE! If there’s one thing you can say about Auxerre’s attacking today, it’s that Hicham Aidir’s hold up and link up play has been great. Everything’s gone through him in this first half. Auxerre break and Foden gives the ball to the striker, who chips it up and then fizzes a ball ahead of Reynier on the left. The winger strides into the box, shimmies past Sibbald and then shoots just wide again.
PENALTY! Aidir plays a give and go with Foden, who chips it back into Aidir’s path. The big striker gets there just before Matt Spencer and tries a shot, but it’s blocked by the goalie just as he clatters into Aidir’s legs. You’ve seen them given, but that’s a little harsh for me. Especially as Spencer’s picked up a booking for his trouble. This is a clear-cut chance for Auxerre now though, something that they’ve massively struggled to create in this first half. Fabian McCarthy’s picked up the ball and he’s not letting go. He really wants this one.
SAVED! Matty Spencer redeems himself immediately! McCarthy looked confident, stepped up and hit his penalty firmly to the right, but it was at a comfortable height and not particularly close to any corner. Hearts maintain their 2-0 lead, but the 4th official’s signalled for 3 minutes of injury time. Auxerre still have time to claw one back before the break.
HALF TIME. Blackpool 21/22 0 – 0 Notts County 26/27
Aye right, why can I no be given wan o these high scoring games? Twice on the trot I’ve been stuck wi Notts fuckin County who’ve never e’en heard the ball hit the back of the fuckin net. Blackpool are even worse.
The producers aren’t clairvoyant, Don, they just assign the games out randomly. I see you got a new keyboard by the way?
Aye it’s magic, this place. Brought the wife back too.
Oh, well good for you.
CHANCE! Auxerre should indeed have clawed one back! Celsiney drives up the right wing and send another low ball across the edge of the box to Reynier, who shoots straight at Spencer. He’s been wasteful today, Reynier, which is disappointing after a really good opening day performance.
HALF TIME. Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 5 Bordeaux 29/30
Fun match for you, by the looks of it, Royston?
Aye John, I’m all abuzz. Buddo havenae had that many maer shots but they’re still batterin Dunkster like a chip shop sausage.
Or indeed a mars bar!
Aye, but I was tryin tae no be a stereotype.
I bet you’d love a battered mars bar wouldn’t you, Don? It’s the perfect greasy accompaniment to a night of irresponsibly heavy drinking.
… I think he’s already gone for a top up. Never mind.
HALF TIME. Auxerre 23/24 0 – 2 Hearts 21/22
Well, that was a frustrating watch for Auxerre fans, I’m sure. They’ve spurned half-chance after half-chance and then a penalty, while Hearts have scored from 2 of their only 3 shots on Lenogue’s goal. The visitors should be delighted with how they’ve performed so far, their gameplan’s worked perfectly.
As things stand then, Hearts are leapfrogging Doncaster into 3rd place in the table, while everyone else stays put. Let’s hope the 2nd halves bring us some more twists and turns. Obligatory word from the sponsors:
Play Player Power, the chaotic football arcade game by Dave O’Leary/O’Leary Games now available for £0.79 on Steam!
Knock yourselves out, but personally I don’t see the appeal. Back in a few.
Right then, now that I’m full of coffee, pie and half of a king size snickers, who’s up for some more FOOTBALL? I would hope all of you, otherwise I don’t really have anything to offer you I’m afraid. No changes have been made by either side. How are Auxerre going to get out of this one?
Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!
CHANCE! An early statement of intent from Auxerre? Hicham Aidir carries the ball through the away half, easily holding off both Sibbald and Hickey as he goes and pings a low shot at goal. Spencer parries it away, but it looks like the hosts have come out to fight for a result.
On second thoughts, that might have been a one-off. All of the excitement of the first couple of minutes evaporated quickly and neither side now look to be in any great rush to score the next goal.
Gallagher penalised for what looked like quite a good challenge on McCarthy. Not sure what the ref saw there, but Auxerre have a free kick in a dangerous spot out on the left wing.
It comes to nothing. As you were.
McCarthy holds off Sibbald and wriggles himself into half a yard of space on the edge of the box, but shoots wide of the near post. That was eerily similar to nearly all of their chances in the first half.
A break in play here as McCarthy’s caught offside and Hearts are using the opportunity to introduce the game’s first substitute. Anthony McDonald replaces Brandon Barker as he did at the weekend.
Auxerre countering with a substitute of their own. Amine Reynier’s been wasteful with his chances today. Can home grown striker Nathan Andre make the difference from the left wing?
CHANCE! Almost! Godinho gifts the ball to Phil Foden, who plays it forward to Aidir. He turns Godinho inside out and passes it out to Sissako on the left hand side of the box. The midfielder has plenty of space, but bafflingly decides to play it back inside to Andre, whose snatched shot is turned behind by Spencer. Sissako should have hit that, but Godinho’s come out of that looking worse. That was a nightmare few seconds for the Canadian full back.
CHANCE! Spencer to the rescue again! Auxerre play the ball in from the right very well, Foden tees up Aidir, who forces yet another save from the young Englishman.
CHANCE! And again!! Again, nicely worked from the corner, Sohna sets up Foden, but his low drive is turned behind. It’s hard to believe that this is the same lad that shipped 4 goals on Saturday. Diegui’s come on for Godinho for Hearts, unsurprisingly. He’s not had a good day.
GOAL! Auxerre 23/24 1 – 2 Hearts 21/22
Hicham Aidir (72)
Well there’s only so much he can do, I suppose. Hearts have had that coming for a while. A sloppy pass by Smith is cut out and the home side break, with Fomba slotting a pinpoint pass through to Aidir. He takes it under control and fires past Spencer into the bottom left corner. The big Moroccan’s off the mark now, but can he rescue a point for his side? Interestingly, Franjo’s taking this break in play as an opportunity to make a change. Joël Soumahoro is making his first appearance of the tournament in place of Fabian McCarthy. The Ivorian midfielder’s set up a goal or two in his time, I’ll give him that.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 0 – 6 Bordeaux 29/30
Ben Lyndon (74)
Aye this isnae much fun anymore, John. I feel quite bad for all the Dunksters.
Yes that’s looking like quite the massacre over there.
GOAL! Blackpool 21/22 1 – 0 Notts County 26/27
Kieran Dowell (76)
Thank fuck for that, John. Quite a tidy finish from the boy Dowell in the end but Christ it was a long old wander to the first goal. County have been slightly less shite, but Blackpool are 1 up.
I’d almost forgotten you were working today, Don!
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 1 – 6 Bordeaux 29/30
Luciano OG (80)
Oh John, they got wan back! I still dinnae think they’ll win it but it’s quite nice of the Buddo captain to put it in his own goal. The goalie just kicked it against him to be fair so maybe he’s the nice one.
Some lovely footwork from the substitute as Auxerre put Hearts under pressure, but no chances come of it.
Oof, horrible sliding challenge from behind from Aaron Hickey on Lamine Fomba and it’s all getting a bit heated as a result. Hearts have played a really physical game today and I think it’s fair to say that it’s causing some of the Auxerre players some frustration. Celsiney, Gallagher and Soumahoro have to restrain Lamine Fomba as the referee shows Hickey a yellow card.
Billy’s looking in some discomfort and is holding his calf as the ball’s hoofed out of play. Looks like he might have tweaked something. A muscle injury could spell bad news in a 5 week tournament but we’ll hope for the best. Baptiste “Captiste” Aloé comes on to see out the game in his place.
FULL TIME. Blackpool 21/22 1 – 0 Notts County 26/27
I dinnae care if you have to get Mystic Bastart Meg in here, John, just get me some decent football on Saturday, for fucks sake. County may as well piss aff haem, they’re shite.
Eloquently put as always, thank you, Don. We’ll try and get you someone other than County for the next game.
FULL TIME. Auxerre 23/24 1 – 2 Hearts 21/22
Well they battled, they took their chances, they defended resolutely, the rode their luck a fair few times and Hearts have come away with their first 3 points of the season. Auxerre will be gutted to come out of this one with nothing, but they had more than enough chances and didn’t do enough with them.
Our sharp-as-a-tack producers have already got the highlights packages together for us again, so have a gander below if the spirits move you. Again, the top video is extended highlights and the bottom video will just show you the goals.
FULL TIME. Doncaster Rovers 29/30 1 – 6 Bordeaux 29/30
Aye that was a bit grim in the end, John. Big laddie’s gunnae bully his way to 100 goals here.
He might well do at this rate. Great job today by the way, Royston. Much improved. Work on actually getting to know the names of the teams and players and you’ll be our own John Motson.
Our own wha?
Never mind. Keep it up.
Thank you all for following along with us at home. Let’s have a wee peak at what effect those results have had on our league table before we go.
Bordeaux are racing into an early lead and are looking unstoppable at present, with striker Ben Lyndon scoring an obscene 9 goals in 2 games. The middle of the table’s getting a bit congested with 4 teams on 3 points and Auxerre still leading the pack despite their loss today thanks to goal difference. It’s been a bleak start for Notts County 26/27 though, they’re yet to score or win a single point. They need to end that run ASAP, so it’s lucky that we’ll be back on Saturday with another round of games, where they’ll have the opportunity to turn their bad start around. They will have to have patience until then though.
Until then, good night and sleep tight.
Aye, sleep well, ye jeb ends.
Don, for fucks sake.