Good morning, ladies and gents!
Welcome once again to Franjo’s dreams and welcome of course to Slumberland, the show that brought you such utterly confusing dreams as “Grandad’s shrinking on the bronco!”
I’m your host, John Hutchison.
Today we’re carrying on with our coverage of the Slumberland First Division, a football league featuring 6 of Franjo’s favourite teams from deep within his tortured psyche. I’ll be keeping you on top of all the action from this morning’s featured match, which sees God among men WT Franjo’s Auxerre 23/24 travel to seasoned pro Dave O’Leary’s Bordeaux 29/30. Bordeaux have made a rampant start to the campaign, scoring 10 goals and conceding just 1 in their first 2 match ups. Auxerre followed up a triumphant opening day win with a disappointing and frustrating loss in front of their own fans and will be eager to make amends, but will the gulf in quality between the sides prove too great for Franjo’s boys to overcome?
With an all-French rivalry in the offing, let’s catch up with the man who puts the “Pain” in “Pain-au-chocolat”, it’s Monsieur Don Collins. Comment ca va, Don?
I’m relieved, mate. The shites backstage have taken me off Notts County duty. They’ve still gien me 2 wank teams but I’m hopeful o seeing at least 2 goals for once. Rovers v Blackpool on it’s way.
Any team news there, sil vous plait?
Aye I’m not doing this whole show in Chinese, John, so ye can cut that bollocks right oot. Donny have changed near their whole squad by the looks. Only Ben Youssef and Reid kept on from that drubbin last week. No change for Blackpool.
Merci beaucoup, Don. How’s the wife doing?
Naw she’s aff again. Just leave it.
Fair enough. Let’s have a word with the man who puts the “Coq” in “Coq au vin” then. How’s it going, Royston?
Aye it’s alright, John. I think I’m finally hitting my broadcasting stride.
Well that’s excellent! Who are you covering today?
I cannae be sure.
That’s not a great start. You’ve got Hearts v Notts County, up in snowy Edinburgh.
Aye right, well I’ve been learning some commentatory things to say the last few days, I havnae had time to learn the names yet. If you ask me though, John, this is a game of 2 halves.
… Right, well luckily there’s no team news from your match. Neither side has made any changes. Make sure to start brushing up on your names though, Royston.
But back to our eagerly anticipated featured match and firstly some unfortunate news for Auxerre fans – Bilal Souabni came off in the dying minutes of that defeat against Hearts on Wednesday and has been ruled out for up to a month, meaning he’s going to miss at least the vast majority of the remaining matches, if not all of them. Having sold Faouzi Hikem too, there is no understudy left back as such, but Franjo’s turning to Mamadou Doucouré to fill the left back role as he has many times before. Mike Kakuba’s coming in to partner Isaac Sohna in the centre of defence, while Issa Samba replaces Celsiney on the right. First appearances of the campaign for both of those players.
We’ve actually got a few changes for Bordeaux too, with O’Leary clearly not happy with the way the defence on Wednesday despite the 6-1 win. Guillot, Thiago and Captain Luciano all drop out of the defensive line and are replaced by Mert Cetin, Yan Besta and Armand Voli Bi.
We’re just about ready to get underway here. Both sides are lining up in their new 3rd kit: Bordeaux, shooting from left to right in this first half, are in red and Auxerre wear all blue.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!
Abdoulaye Sissako immediately penalised for bringing down Leon Alles in a dangerous position, but Iwata’s ball from the free kick comes to nothing.
Auxerre have their own dangerous free kick now. Didn’t see much in it myself, but Harris gets a warning for his challenge on Fomba.
McCarthy hits it… Straight into the wall.
The most striking mismatch that catches the eye today by the way has to be the sight of Armand Voli Bi going up against Phil Foden on Auxerre’s right wing. The 6’4″ Ivorian full back’s absolutely towering over the 5’5″ Englishman.
GOAL! Hearts 21/22 1 – 0 Notts County 26/27
Dylan Munro (9)
It’s still a real game of 2 halves here, John. The laddie’s clearance gets blocked, it gets passed through to the red striker and he buries it.
I want you to cite your sources for this 1 piece of lingo you appear to have picked up, Royston, but we’ll talk about that after the games. Things are starting to look very, very worrying for Notts County now. 3 losses in 3 would be a miserable start.
GOAL! Hearts 21/22 1 – 1 Notts County 26/27
Dale Johnson (11)
It’s an instant response, John. The left wing laddie crosses it in and the bald laddie rises like a salmon to head it in. This is shaping up to be a real game of 2-
That’s enough now, thanks, Royston. Good news for Magpies fans though, they’ve finally scored a goal.
Bordeaux under a bit of pressure here from the visitors. No real chances for either side yet but Franjo will be pleased with this start.
CHANCE! Almost the curse of the commentator there. Leon Alles slices the Auxerre defence apart on the break with a dazzling and quite uncharacteristic dribble inside from the right flank. He hands it off to Voli Bi, who tees up Makhlouf inside the box, but his shot’s tame and easy for Lenogue to gather.
Auxerre fans grumbling their disappointment there. Doucouré takes possession and somehow runs straight through the home side’s half unopposed. He’s got a clear line of sight at goal from the edge of the box, but opts to try and lay a directionless ball across the box and Besta clears it. Have a pop, lad.
Bordeaux break, but Kakuba gets back to make a vital interception, conceding our first corner.
CHANCE! Iwata’s delivery from the corner is good, Cetin rises to meet it, but his header has no power and is easy for the keeper to catch.
GOAL! Doncaster Rovers 29/30 1 – 0 Blackpool 21/22
Chris Beardsmore (25)
Aye right, marvellous finish from the boy Beardsmore, in today for the first time for Rovers. He takes it aff Smith on the edge of the box and curls it into the top corner. First of many goals in this one, mark my words, John.
10/10. Good showing from this new-look Donny side by the sounds of it.
Some lovely football on display from Bordeaux now as they find their stride. If only they’d shown some of that trademark lethal finishing, they could have a goal or two already.
Even Ben Lyndon’s not cutting it. Alles feeds him the ball with his back to goal on the edge of Auxerre’s box, he turns and tries to fire one off, but Kakuba’s straight on him, deflecting the ball out for a corner.
CHANCE! All of the pressure’s now on Auxerre but they’re defending resiliently in numbers. A period of possession ends with Lyndon playing a give-and-go with Voli Bi, who whips in a cross. Lyndon gets on the end of it and heads at goal, but Lenogue parries it away.
CHANCE! Decent effort up at the other end. Aidir plays it short to Reynier on the edge of the box. The Frenchman cuts inside to get half a yard of space from Cetin, then tries bending one towards the far corner. No problem for Dutra, who holds onto it.
And now Abdoulaye Sissako given what looks like a final warning for a late sliding challenge on Gerchev. In a match like this, Auxerre need one of their top ball winners to be better than that.
GOAL! Hearts 21/22 1 – 2 Notts County 26/27
Bukayo Saka (41)
Aye I’m not sure what to say about this one, John. My confidence is shaken from ye cuttin me aff last time. 1-2.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 1 – 0 Auxerre 23/24
Konstantin Gerchev (41)
No time anyway, Royston! Well the visitors held on longer than anyone has so far, but this has been coming for 20 minutes or so. What a finish it is from Gerchev too, who scores his 2nd goal of the campaign. Aidir’s crowded out and dispossessed and Bordeaux break incisively, getting the ball from back to front with 3 slick passes. Lyndon taps the ball past Kakuba and Gerchev’s in acres of space. He takes 2 touches with his left – 1 to flick it up and 1 to volley it past Lenogue. Great technique, great counter, great goal.
Auxerre have shown a disappointing lack of creativity so far, with Foden’s long ball over the top vaguely towards Aidir a prime example. Bordeaux retake possession.
CHANCE! Iwata flashes a 25 yarder just past Lenogue’s post as the referee blows his whistle for half time. The keeper was beaten. Auxerre will count themselves fairly lucky to still be in this.
HALF TIME. Bordeaux 29/30 1 – 0 Auxerre 23/24
Auxerre aren’t out of this one yet and from the matches we’ve seen Bordeaux play so far, that should be a comfort to them. If they can hold the hosts at bay and nick a goal at the other end, who knows what might happen?
HALF TIME. Doncaster Rovers 29/30 1 – 0 Blackpool 21/22
Just the 1 goal so far, John, but I’m staying optimistic. Rovers have had a fair few near misses.
GOAL! Hearts 21/22 1 -3 Notts County 26/27
Dale Johnson (45+3)
I’m gunnae learn a wee set of phrases to use, John. Ma bottle’s gone a bit. He just sort of shot and it went in.
HALF TIME. Hearts 21/22 1 – 3 Notts County 26/27
And that’s us noo. Half time straight from kick aff. It really has been a game of 2 halves this half, John.
Listen to yourself, man! Never mind. County look to be well on the way to their first victory of the campaign but both of our other matches are still up for grabs. With results as they stand, Doncaster are set to leapfrog Hearts, Blackpool and Auxerre into 2nd place, while Notts County jump up to joint 3rd, level with Auxerre. Bordeaux’s lead at the top, meanwhile, is growing ever larger. Let’s have a quick word from our sponsor overlords before I pop off for pie and a latte.
Play Player Power, the chaotic football arcade game by Dave O’Leary/O’Leary Games now available for £0.79 on Steam!
Really drumming that message home, aren’t they. Back in a few.
Mon Dieu, it feels good to be full of caffeine and gravy. Big Hicham Aidir’s ready to kick us off, if the referee would be so kind as to blow his whistle.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!
CHANCE! Bit better from Auxerre straight from kick off. The work the ball into Bordeaux’s final third and Aidir plays it out to Doucouré on the left before taking up a position at the near post. Doucouré picks him out but the Moroccan’s header sails high and wide.
I can read tomorrow’s headlines already: Foden beats Voli Bi in the air, wins header. Anyway, the Ivorian shoves the winger over and the referee brings play back for a free kick.
CHANCE! That’s right off the training ground from the visitors, I think. McCarthy takes the free kick, chipping it to Reynier 25 yards out. His header flicks the ball on for Aidir, who brings it down and shoots on the turn, but it’s just wide. Nice bit of play, that.
Getting a bit of a “Gulliver’s Kingdom” vibe from the amount of times Phil Foden keeps finding himself stood between Armand Voli Bi and Yan Besta. They’re keeping him fairly quiet at the minute.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 2 – 0 Auxerre 23/24
Ben Lyndon (51)
There he is. Issa Samba’s got to take the blame for that one. He fluffs a 5 yard pass and hands the ball straight to Makhlouf. It goes inside to Gerchev, then again to Lyndon, who shrugs off Sissako’s challenge and absolutely buries it in the top corner. Lovely finish and I think it could be already be a matter of damage limitation now for the visitors.
CHANCE! Oh dear, oh dear. Hicham Aidir has to score, he just has to. It’s a lovely move from Franjo’s men too. Samba drifts a cross so invitingly across the 6 yard box. Aidir shakes off Cetin and is all on his own against Dutra, but he slices his shot and the ball barely changes course. Anyone hoping that the big striker’s goal against Hearts would kickstart his campaign will be waiting a while longer yet, by the looks of it.
CHANCE! Superb ball over the top from Konstantin Gerchev, Lyndon wins the footrace against Sissako and catches it on the half volley, but he screw his shot just over the bar. Unlucky.
First substitution of the game now and it’s Bordeaux making it: Nathan Isimat-Mirin comes on for Makhlouf. I hope Issa Samba’s still got some left in the tank, because the Guadeloupean/French winger is lightning quick.
Phil Foden getting the best of Besta there with some tight footwork drawing a foul from the lumbering Czech defender. Before that though, Celsiney’s coming on for Samba. Matching Bordeaux pace-for-pace on the right hand side. I like it.
CHANCE! McCarthy and Foden are both stood over the free kick 25 yards out, it’s McCarthy who has a pop and he bends it towards the top right. Dutra scrambles across his line well though to bat the ball behind.
CHANCE! Harris dinks the ball over Auxerre’s back line and Lyndon beats Sohna in the air to head at goal, but it’s a tame effort and a simple save for Lenogue. Hicham Aidir’s not happy though, he feels he was fouled by Iwata when they clashed in the air during the build up.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 3 – 0 Auxerre 23/24
Ben Lyndon (69)
And that, you would think, is game over. Excellent assist from Voli Bi, who intercepts a pass in his own half and surges down the flank, evading Fomba and Celsiney. He gets into the box at the left byline, taps the ball across the 6 yard box and Lyndon turns it under Lenogue from close range.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 3 – 1 Auxerre 23/24
Hicham Aidir (70)
Well well well! Or is it game over? It’s a nice move from Auxerre straight from kick off, ending with McCarthy slipping a pass onto the left for Doucouré. The Senegalese international chips it across and Aidir volleys it home, before picking up the ball and heading back to his half. Game on?
Both sides have made changes on the right wing – 36 year old Harry Kane replaces Gerchev for the home side, while Alessandro Bassani replaces Foden for the visitors.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 4 – 1 Auxerre 23/24
Raymond Harris (74)
Yup, game over. Definitely game over. Alles has so much time to wander down the right flank and decide what to do. Eventually he opts to loft a perfect pass into the path of Harris in the penalty area. Sohna misses his interception as the English playmaker brings the ball down on his chest and places it coolly into the roof of the net.
CHANCE! Harry Kane’s first real involvement in the game is to slam a 20 yard shot against McCarthy’s legs, then he heads it comfortably into Lenogue’s arms seconds later.
CHANCE! Oof that’s more like it from Kane. Isimat-Mirin picks him out with a yard on Mike Kakuba and he stings Lenogue’s palms with a good strike. Corner for Bordeaux.
Iwata drifts it in, Voli Bi heads at goal but once again it isn’t troubling the keeper.
CHANCE! What an effort from Aidir! He wins the ball from Cetin just inside Bordeaux’s half, plays a one-two with Bassani, flicks the ball up and sends it looping down under Dutra’s crossbar from 25 yards. The big Portuguese goalie raises a firm paw to swat the ball away, but top marks for trying.
GOAL! Bordeaux 29/30 5 – 1 Auxerre 23/24
Nathan Isimat-Mirin (87)
And there we go. Bordeaux 29/30’s quite embarrassing record of winning by at least 4 goals seems to be safe for another game. It’s almost like Franjo didn’t realise they’d be quite so strong until they were already dreamt into existence and now it’s too late to take them out. A simple pass along the ground from Yoon Taek splits almost the entire Auxerre team, Lyndon plays it on towards the box and Isimat-Mirin blasts his first goal of the campaign past Lenogue.
GOAL! Hearts 21/22 1 – 4 Notts County 26/27
Richard Mohammed (91)
We’ve got a late one too, John. I’m a wee bit surprised that Don doesn’t like County, they seem alright.
FULL TIME. Doncaster Rovers 29/30 1 – 0 Blackpool 21/22
Aye right, this is pure bollocks. Why does every match that wanker Royston touches turn into a fucking goalfest and mine are all shite? Sick of it, John. Shitty highlights below.
Well reminded: You can catch highlights of all of our matches right as they finish, thanks to the lightning-fast reflexes of our producers. And watch your language please, Don.
FULL TIME. Hearts 21/22 1 – 4 Notts County 26/27
Great match, John, I enjoyed that.
Glad to hear it. Broaden that commentating vocab for the next match though, there’s a good lad.
CHANCE! Quite a weak effort on the spin from Lyndon, but it hardly matters now. Both teams are just running down the clock.
FULL TIME. Bordeaux 29/30 5 – 1 Auxerre 23/24
Well, if this competition was using Goals Scored as a decider after Goal Difference, as competitions often do, Auxerre would technically have come away with the best result against Bordeaux out of any of the side’s they’ve played so far. So that’s something for the Auxerrois to cling to during what will probably be a long, cold night.
Well that was certainly an eventful round of matches, with only Blackpool failing to get the ball in the back of the net. Let’s have a goosey at how these games have affected our Slumberland First Division table.
Still extremely tight at the bottom end, isn’t it, with 4 teams on 3 points apiece and separated by goal difference. It’s also worth mentioning as Bordeaux have made themselves the team to beat that Notts County and Blackpool are still to play them, so could still slide down the table as we approach the halfway point of the season.
But that’s all from us tonight. We’ll see you again at the same time Wednesday for our next round of games. Until then, goodnight and sleep tight.
Fucking pish take.
We need to stop ending with you, Don. You really sour the mood we’re going for.